im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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