The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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