watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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