Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
