it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
