his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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