my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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