Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
