i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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