I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
