I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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