I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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