i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
