Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
