You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
