Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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