No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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