i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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