GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
