I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
