Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
