I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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