new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
