can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
