i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
