can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
