____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He has the fingertips of a God
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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