I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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