yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
