her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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