I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
