A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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