I faked an abortion last night.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
