I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
