i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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