It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
