Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize