I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
