The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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