you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
