Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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