$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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