$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
