It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
