My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I understand Curling. That high.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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