After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
