The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
