i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
