Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
