i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love having hate sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
