I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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