i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
