You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
