Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
