We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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