As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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