He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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