my shit smells like andre
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
